I have achieved my goal of becoming a woman, but not of becoming what I consider a “lady”. I’ll deconstruct and explore this concept of “becoming a lady” in future posts, including my strong psychosexual attraction to the idea. But for now lets just consider that I want to remove the remaining masculine features from my life.
And what this really comes down to is giving up privilege and comfort.
But first a casual and easy example: I found two masculine t-shirts in my closet. They have to go. Today. So I’m headed to Goodwill when they open. I won’t loose any privilege or comfort in this process and might find a cool outfit when I shop after making the donation.
A more serious example is my voice. Thus far I have largely retained a masculine voice and masculine linguistic patterns at work. This gives me power because work, like everything, operates according to the patriarchy. Its not that they intend to do, it is just that masculine things (like a masculine voice) psychologically command more respect than feminine things in a business context.
In other words, I can still speak as a member of the “old boys’ network”.
I still move in masculine ways: Body language, gait, and posture. This too subconsciously adds to my masculine power.
I don’t need or want this power, so I’ve chosen to give up my masculine voice, language, and mannerisms. This will take significant work since these features of my life are so deeply ingrained socially (and in the case of my natural voice, biologically).
There is another factor here that has nothing to do with power, but has been the larger reason I’ve been hesitant to make these changes: I want to attract women and strongly subconsciously believe having these masculine features will help. This subconscious attitude makes unpleasant assumptions about each individual woman’s sexuality. Viewed broadly it’s inaccurate. So I’m going to abandon the belief along with my remaining masculinity. The right partner will like me for my femininity.
I very much want to be liked romantically for my femininity, for being a lady.
So I’m committed to eliminating my remaining masculine features.
But lets be clear: I’m only talking about my voice, gait, posture, and mannerisms. I’m not, for example, making stereotypes about what professions women should practice or any bullshit like that.
In fact, the fact that I often want to be a homemaker has nothing to do with the femininity I want to express, and everything to do with how I want to live my life. This is true regardless of my gender.
I donated the masculine t-shirts to Goodwill to great satisfaction. Found a cute pair of shoes (pictured below), and a pair of silky nightgowns that inspired my next post: “when is a fetish not really a fetish?”